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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29677278">I'll never be alright - so I'm breaking the habit tonight</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRegularWriter/pseuds/TheRegularWriter'>TheRegularWriter</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Even in the clutches of certain doom... you're happy to have each other [19]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Steven Universe (Cartoon)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>3 of which are all oneshots focused on the boys, Angst with a Happy Ending, But please don't take this as torture porn, Canon Divergence, Complex-PTSD, Drama, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Introspection, Mental Breakdown, Near Death, Not Canon Compliant, Okay but I really wrote 4 things in JUST A MONTH, Pink Lars Barriga, Platonic Relationships, Self-Hatred, Self-Reflection, Steven is a fusion of sorts, Steven-centric, Stress, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Trauma</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 06:26:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,606</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29677278</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRegularWriter/pseuds/TheRegularWriter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Steven has long since grown past the habit of clutching his t-shirt, where his gem is located. Yet at times, he uncovers his belly and stares at it for a long time. Maybe too long. His fingers might even touch the hard, polished cold of the pink diamond contrasting his soft hands.</p><p>The boy spends the nights in his room thinking about it all.</p><p>And if that really makes sense, the gem in his belly <b>aches</b>.</p><p>It’s not <i>supposed</i> to hurt.</p><p>But it does. A lot.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lars Barriga &amp; Lion &amp; Steven Universe, Lars Barriga &amp; Steven Universe, Pink Steven Universe &amp; Steven Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Even in the clutches of certain doom... you're happy to have each other [19]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1573531</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>57</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I'll never be alright - so I'm breaking the habit tonight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>
  <b>// TRIGGER WARNINGS - discussions of suicide and suicidal thoughts</b>
</p><p>I'm honestly... VERY insecure about posting this. Yes, I love writing Angst with some good Comfort to soothe myself, but I don't think I've written something like this before. Obviously it's nothing graphic, because I barely have the gut to write something explicit, yet again... I'm usually skeptical writing actual suicide attempts.</p><p>This was not meant to be torture porn(?) of any sort (because god knows how many fics like that involve Steven, and I obviously don't want to torture Lars either). I'm someone who deals with suicidal thoughts pretty regularly, so I hope this isn't insensitive.</p><p>PLEASE read the tags if you still want to read this. Be careful! &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>For a fusion to work, there needs to be balance. An imbalance can cause your fusion to lose touch with reality, see things that aren’t there, and eventually fall apart.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That is to say, if one of you is falling apart, your fusion will as well.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Being a half-gem has guaranteed Steven that he cannot catch a break for the life of him.</p><p>Steven is not a normal human boy, so he deals with strange symptoms sometimes. With his powers now developed, he doesn’t usually get human illnesses like the flu - but at the same time, his gem is still affected by his emotions and mental state.</p><p>It’s pretty frustrating most of the time. And lonely. There’s no one like Steven anywhere. At least he recognizes he isn’t just a human shield hiding his dead mother. Steven is himself and has always been, and for that he’s grateful.</p><p>On the other hand, this uniqueness also brings him dread. It’s a uniqueness that people have tried to destroy countless times. It’s the uniqueness that distances him from others – both humans and gems –, while having him stand up for them all at same. Steven saved the entire galaxy, all organic life existent out there.</p><p>But in the end, Steven has no one.</p><p>(And he’s in <em>danger</em>.)</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Human beings?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Human beings.</em>
</p><p>Steven has long since grown past the habit of clutching his t-shirt, where his gem is located. Yet at times, he uncovers his belly and stares at it for a long time. Maybe too long. His fingers might even touch the hard, polished cold of the pink diamond contrasting his soft hands.</p><p>The boy spends the nights in his room thinking about it all.</p><p>And if that really makes sense, the gem in his belly <strong>aches</strong>.</p><p>It’s not <em>supposed</em> to hurt.</p><p>But it does. A lot.</p><p>(Then again, it’s his own pain. It’s not like it can be helped or healed.)</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He’s thought about it sometimes. Often. About his distance from humanity.</p><p>He barely knows people the same age as his, other than Connie and Peedee. Except these two have friends outside of Steven’s circle. They go to school, they have normal human families – which, as far as he’s concerned, haven’t tried to kill them so many times.</p><p>Obviously, that doesn’t mean he hates the gems – because <em>stars</em>, he loves Pearl, Garnet, Amethyst and all of his other friends. They’ve taught him great things, <em>yes</em>, and he’s still amazed by some of the Gem history to this day. He’s glad gems and humans can live together now.</p><p>Yet over and over, Steven is treated as… <strong><em>different</em></strong>. Not in the way everyone has what makes them unique, and so they live together with. Steven is constantly seen as the “other”. Before he even knew Homeworld, before he was an actual Crystal Gem, he was left behind – he was barely included and <em>heard</em> until he risked his life over, and over, and over.</p><p>Is it all because of his gem?</p><p>Because it’s the gem that is simultaneously valued and hated. He’s nothing without it, but he’s nothing <em>with</em> it, either. All in all, like he said, it hurts.</p><p>And Steven is growing tired of it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He’s touching his gem again. But not with the same care as before.</p><p>Steven glares down at it, his hands nearly curling into fists. His right hand holds the exposed part of his gem rather tightly. Obviously, it does the opposite of helping and the actions aches. On instinct, Steven flinches and retracts his hand.</p><p>(<em>It’s time to come out, Pink.</em>)</p><p>He shudders, overcome with the powerlessness. Losing control.</p><p>But the pain remains there, and it will stay forever.</p><p>Steven tries to sleep through it, to no avail.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Until he snaps.</p><p>Steven is really doing nothing. He’s heating up some leftover pizza in the microwave as his single-man dinner. Except Lion is there, playing with the oily pizza box. Steven is not quite in the mood to ‘aww’ at his pet lion today.</p><p>Once the boy takes the plate, he gazes at the beach outside. The moon reflects on the water beautifully. But he can’t admire it.</p><p>His belly hurts, and it’s worse than before – so much that there’s a sudden pang and Steven cries out, his dinner ruined on the floor.</p><p>And that <em>sets him off</em>.</p><p>He can’t enjoy his dinner, he can’t sleep, he can’t live like a human boy and everything is <em>wrong</em> with him. He hates this gem. He hates being a Diamond. Steven hates it so much, he can’t live with this pain anymore, <em>he can’t!</em></p><p>The moment he turns pink, Steven yells and, with all his strength, he tries to remove the pain and throw it as far as he can.</p><p>But…</p><p>His heart slows, and his vision darkens.</p><p>If he’s not too delusional, he might even hear Lion letting out a loud, anguished roar.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Something is wrong.</p><p>Terribly, horribly <em>wrong</em>.</p><p>It’s not the first time Lars has this sudden jolt, having awoken him in his rare times of slumber. This time, however, is a lot worse because it actually sounds like a cry for help. And Lars can’t ignore it.</p><p>Thankfully, he knows a thing or two about teleporting (he <em>will</em> have to explain to his parents later considering it always scares the hell out of them), so Lars arrives where he hears the cry. His stomach drops, though, when he realizes he’s at the beach, Steven’s house above him.</p><p>It’s…</p><p>Lion is crying. <em>Lion</em>, the calmest and most understanding animal Lars has ever known, is the most distressed right now. Something seriously awful must have happened, and Lars dreads the fact he might already know what it is.</p><p>The way up to the house feels absurdly long, so the pink boy almost knocks the door down when he gets inside. Lars’ heart hasn’t beat this fast since he was <em>resurrected</em>.</p><p>“Lion? Lion, buddy, what happened?” Lars makes his way to the big cat, when his throat makes an incomprehensible noise at the fallen lump on the floor. Barely moving.</p><p>In the next half second, Lars is on his knees, frantically holding the body. Steven looks terrible, he’s never looked this <em>pale</em>.</p><p>“Steven? <em>Steven</em>”— Lars shakes him — “can you hear me? A-Are you…?”</p><p>A weak cough answers him, and eyes that can barely stay open look up. They have little to no color.</p><p>“L… Lar…?”</p><p>“Y-Yeah, yeah, it’s me,” Lars replies, swallowing his want to cry his heart out. It’s the <em>last </em>thing Steven needs. “Keep talking to me, okay? C-Can you tell me what happened?”</p><p>Steven’s eyes are unfocused, pupils dilated. He’s sweating and he’s slow and shaky. His heartbeat is slowing down, it’s- it’s as slow as Lars’, and that might give the latter a freaking <strong>heart attack</strong>.</p><p>“I c… I can’t…” Steven coughs again, “d-do this anymore…”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“It hurts…”</p><p>Lars’ heart aches at the sincerity and brokenness. “Steven…”</p><p>The younger’s eyes are quickly filled with tears and exhaustion.</p><p>“I-It hurts… so much,” Steven emphasizes. “I c-couldn’t… stand it. I had to take it away…”</p><p>Lars frowns. “Take what away?”</p><p>Steven closes his eyes for a moment, to take a deep breath. He looks up, but he doesn’t meet Lars anymore. He’s staring… at the above.</p><p>“It’s… over, isn’t it? Isn’t it?” Steven asks, as if… singing? “Isn’t it over…”</p><p>“Over?” Lars swears he’s trying not to lose it right now. “W-What are you—”</p><p>“D… D-Don’t worry. It’s okay,” Steven smiles tragically at him, “I’ll be okay… it won’t hurt anymore.”</p><p>Lars feels as though he’s punched in the gut.</p><p>“Steven—”</p><p>“Y-You can go, Lars… I’ll be fine…”</p><p>“What?! I’m not leaving!” Lars snaps. “And you’re not fine!”</p><p>“Lars, listen—”</p><p>“No, YOU listen! I am never going to leave you – <em>ever</em>, you got it?” The older boy pulls Steven closer. “I can help you, I promise.”</p><p>“Y… Y-You can’t…”</p><p>“I can, and I’m <em>going</em> to.”</p><p>“You can’t! NOBODY can, Lars! N-Nobody…!” Steven raises his voice suddenly; even so, it still trembles. He cries harder. “I hate living like- like <strong>me</strong>! I-It hurts all the time! I h-hate being a gem… I hate that I’m not human enough, I… I hate that I’m so <em>different</em>…”</p><p>Lars shuts up for good, listening without protesting. Steven’s pain… Lars has had an idea of it. But to this extent? Goodness, no. But it… makes sense, too. It unfortunately does.</p><p>“I h-hate being <em>me</em>, Lars…” Steven sobs. “I hate it…”</p><p>He can’t control himself anymore. Lars cries in silence, and his mouth twitches as he wants to scream. He wants to yell at anyone – everyone who made Steven feel like this; and yes, that includes Lars himself. Because it finally hits him that Steven has almost been killed god knows how many times, and he valued himself so little that it led him, a fourteen-year-old boy, to <em>sacrifice himself</em>. To this day, Lars remembers everything Steven told him when they were trapped inside Topaz’s body.</p><p>And now Lars is angry, he’s <strong><em>seething</em></strong>.</p><p>“I just want…” Steven’s speech slows down, “to go to sleep…”</p><p>Lars grabs his face with one of his hands. “No! No, Steven, stay awake! <strong>Steven</strong>!”</p><p>“I’m sorry…”</p><p>“No, don’t you DARE-!”</p><p>Steven closes his eyes and Lars- god, he <em>tries</em>.</p><p>“Steven!” Lars shakes his body. “<strong><em>STEVEN!</em></strong>”</p><p>He’s not waking up. His breaths are barely even there.</p><p>He’s dying in his arms.</p><p>
  <em>No, no, no, no, no, no, no</em>
</p><p>
  <em>No, no, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO</em>
</p><p>Lars doesn’t know what to <em>do</em>, he doesn’t—</p><p>Until he looks at Lion – who’s been whining every now and then and bumping his nose on Steven a couple times –, Lars realizes and picks up the pieces.</p><p>The older boy uncovers Steven’s abdomen, and it horrifies him. Steven really did…</p><p>But where is it? Lars has no idea. It doesn’t seem to be anywhere near them. He looks around, hoping for a miracle.</p><p>That’s when he sees that the window is cracked.</p><p>Lars grabs Steven with him, the latter heavy and limp in his arms. He rushes outside with tears blinding his vision, feet close to tripping down the stairs. Where could it be? It could be anywhere in the beach. Steven is really freaking strong – shit, what if it’s in the ocean? Shit. <em>Shit</em>.</p><p>With each passing second, Steven feels heavier against him, and Lars’ desperation only spikes up. What if he never finds it? What if Steven dies because Lars couldn’t save him? What would the gems say? What would his father, his friends or Connie say?</p><p>Then, finally, he sees pink in the distance. Yet… it’s not a gemstone. It’s a pink <em>someone</em>.</p><p>Unlike Lars and Lion, they glow dimly. They stand close to the sea.</p><p>Lars runs to their way until he stops in realization.</p><p>“… Steven?”</p><p>The pink person turns around. Their eyes are of a deep pink. Lars is… really seeing a pink Steven right in front of him. But the latter doesn’t really have an expression other than a blank state. However, Lars can also tell how fragile he appears to be.</p><p>He notices the pink diamond in his belly button – and just a second later, he hears a tiny whimper coming from the miserable boy in his arms.</p><p>“C-C’mon, you guys need to—” Lars pauses, unsure how it might work. “You need to get back together.”</p><p>Pink Steven stares at him, then at Human Steven. His expression slightly shifts into one of… feeling rejected.</p><p>“He hates him,” the glowing boy says. His voice is like Steven’s, but it echoes in a way. He sounds genuinely heartbroken. “He hates me. Us. And… <em>I</em> hate us, too.” He lowers his head. “We can’t.”</p><p>Lars sniffs, not caring about the mess of tears and snot dirtying him. “Please, you’re going to <strong><em>die</em></strong>.”</p><p>Pink Steven clenches his fists but shows no loud emotion. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, “we can’t.”</p><p>Lars shakes his head repeatedly. “No… <em>no</em>”— His arms tremble furiously with Steven weighing on them — “you can’t give up on yourself!” Lars yells.</p><p>“Why? It only hurts. All the time,” Pink Steven argues simply. “I hurt him. He hurt me, too. We’ve been hurting for too long…” he stares at his own hands. “It’s too much.”</p><p>“But there’s got to be another way. Even if it’s not easy – because yeah, it hurts, a <em>lot</em>. I know it does,” Lars inhales determinedly. “That’s why you have to be there for each other! You have to be there for <strong>yourself</strong>!”</p><p>If he’s not seeing things, Pink Steven’s eyes might widen.</p><p>“You’re <em>not</em> alone, Steven,” Lars tells him – and in the back of his mind he’s weirded out, because he knows it’s Steven, but it’s not… <em>actually</em> Steven; he’s not complete, after all. “It feels like it, yeah. You were hurt. You were neglected and expected to help everyone around you. You were almost killed for being <em>you</em>, and I’m…” Lars sniffs. “I’m sorry. I really am. I know it doesn’t fix anything, but I’m telling you because it’s not your fault. You didn’t deserve any of this.”</p><p>Somewhere in him aches because Pink Steven is showing more emotion now. He looks broken and shocked. Though, at least, things seem to have cleared up to him.</p><p>“I can imagine it feels awful and lonely,” Lars resumes, “and I know you never actually got the help you deserved, but I can promise you now that you’ve got <em>us</em>. You’ve got- you’ve got <strong>you</strong>, you’ve got me, Lion, your friends… you can work through this like you’ve always done. But this time, it’s up to you. You don’t have to save everyone; you don’t need to do anything for anyone but yourself. And if anyone shames or attacks you for that, then you can bet I’m going to <em>kick their ass</em>.”</p><p>The last words do take a tiny, sad chuckle out of Pink Steven.</p><p>“You’ve got to give yourself a chance. Maybe you don’t believe it yet, and you might not believe it in a long time – and that’s okay…” Lars sighs, “but you deserve love, too. And that includes your <em>own</em>.”</p><p>The gem boy doesn’t say anything else; but he seems comforted and understands the other’s words. He soon has his gaze on Human Steven again, and there’s genuine fondness and sorrow in it. His glowing hands touch the human boy, which instantly awakens the latter. Pink Steven might even glow brighter as well.</p><p>They share words with just their eyes. Human Steven looks lost and unsure. Pink Steven smiles sadly. They eventually come to terms, and the weak, human Steven tries to reach out to his companion – and Lars quickly gets him to his feet, once he’s sure Pink Steven has got a hold on him.</p><p>The boys, after sharing another sad look, tearfully hug each other. Soon after, there’s a bright light shining more than the stars and the moon in the sky. It may blind Lars for a second, but then—</p><p>Then his friend is <em>there</em>.</p><p>Steven drops to his knees on the sand, overwhelmed by what just happened – and he breaks down right there, hugging himself tightly. Notably, he’s hugging his belly, as if the boys still hold each other, even if you can’t see two of them anymore.</p><p>Overcome with relief, Lars rushes to him and squeezes him in his arms. Lion lies around them as if to protect them from outside, while snuggling his head against Steven. Lars is glad Steven has found himself again, but <em>holy shit</em>. Lars has never been this scared before. He could’ve <strong><em>lost</em></strong> Steven. He won’t allow this ever again.</p><p>Hopefully, Steven might not let it go this far, either.</p>
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